Loved by a Divine “No”

I went for my annual OB/GYN visit today. Not great. My doctor had retired, and noone bothered to tell me. Not great. I waited over half an hour in the icy exam room in a sheet. Not great AT ALL. But, the worst part was, as it always is, the pain of one more year without conceiving. At least the new doctor was way too hurried to ask me about it…

We’ve been trying for four years. I turned 39 in August. Everywhere I look, I see stuff about fertility treatments and adoption. Every well-meaning friend and relative has made kind suggestions about diet, sex, and “surefire” remedies. And, almost everyone I know has asked me—why not go to a fertility doctor, why not adopt? I’ve tried the remedies, and the sexual positions, and I’m fairly diligent about the diet, but the bottom line is …..GOD WON’T LET ME DO THE OTHER STUFF.

This infuriating Divine “NO,” is the most challenging thing I’ve ever faced in trying to trust Him. It makes no sense. It’s hard. I struggle with it constantly, especially the nagging fear of getting older, wondering if my inaction means losing my chance to have a child. I have reason to believe that God does intend for us to be parents, but then I wonder if it’s just my imagination.

I would gladly adopt. In fact, I thought at one point that God might be leading that way. But, nope. Got a clear NO, both circumstantially and through prayer.

I have been on the verge of “going medical” numerous times. Once, I got a basal thermometer and decided to chart my temperature to see if I was ovulating. At the time, I was in a period of intense prayer and intimacy with the Lord–a mountaintop season, if you will. Sitting on the bed with my calendar in hand, I felt the Holy Spirit hit me and I heard a resounding “No!” It wasn’t quite audible, but I felt it go through me like fire. I fell on my face and surrendered, once again, my desire to have a baby. I vowed, once again, to trust Him to give us a baby according to His will and timing. Then I got up and threw the chart in the garbage.

Time and time, during moments of doubt and despair, I’ve wondered…Am I really hearing from God? He’s given me dream and visions about our Baby. I’ve heard the still, small voice of the Holy Spirit telling me that I would be a mother, that I must trust Him to bring it about. But, then, I see something on TV, or a friend says something. Or I go to the OB/GYN, and I start thinking….Should I “do all I can” and then trust God with the rest? But, each time I’ve started down that path, He has stopped me.

Tonight, I did an internet search for fertility clinics in my area. I had picked up a free fertility magazine at the doctor’s office. I felt really hopeful and pleased about what I read. There are many noninvasive and Biblically acceptable (I think) options to try. I, personally, wouldn’t feel comfortable with IVF, but there are other things we could do. As I read, I felt at peace, glad to have some way to move forward. At the very least, I told myself, we could rule out problems. But, then, I did something else…..I prayed.

And He said, “No.” Again.

Actually, He said Psalm 141:4…”Don’t let me drift toward evil or take part in acts of wickedness.” The words rang in my soul, and His answer was clear. For me, going to a fertility specialist would be disobedience. He has told me not to, and He still means it. At first I wept in disappointment. I so wanted a way out of this agonizing wait. Doing ANYTHING would feel better than doing nothing. But, after awhile, I found myself weeping in gratitude, grateful for a God who loves me enough to keep me on His path even when I long to leave it.

You see, I’m in a dry spell with God. I have been for almost six months. We’re not speaking as often, God and I. My Bibles have been mostly unopened lately while I watch TV, daydream, and knit. I haven’t been to church in months. I don’t know why I’ve sought this distance from Him, but I have. He’s with me. I can feel His Presence, and He still finds ways to break through my numbness. I weep when He does, and I repent…for at least a few minutes. But somehow, I can’t seem to break through this distance right now, not in any prolonged way. But, I’m grateful to Him, because I can tell that He understands, and that, like Job’s friends, He is sitting with me in silent comfort, even as I keep Him at arms length.

And tonight, He loved me with a Divine “no”.

Nana died.

Thanks to NewWineskins for the link. I don’t know why it is that I always seem to get linked right before I have to stop blogging for a spell. As it is, I haven’t blogged for the last six weeks. I’ve been struggling with depression and oppression as my grandmother has been slowly slipping away. It’s been a rough couple of years, and lately I’ve found myself feeling kind of lost. God is there with me, but I’ve had trouble forcing myself to be present, losing myself instead in fantasies and daydreams. Now it seems real life has caught up with me once again…

Nana finally died last night. Her dementia had finally progressed to the point that she stopped eating and drinking. It was peaceful and, according to the hospice folks, painless. Apparently, the body naturally stops eating when it’s time for it to die. When that happens, there is no pain for the person–they simply lose all desire for sustenance. My mom is doing OK. The death itself is somewhat of a relief for us, honestly. The Nana I knew and loved had long since gone. But, the loss is also real. A generation, a lifetime of memories. I’m not looking forward to dismantling her house. Then, too, there is my fear that she is now in hell.

Last night, after I received the call, I felt led to 1 Corinthians 15 about the resurrection of Christ and how he will return for the dead. I felt comforted. Perhaps she’s not in hell. Perhaps she is, but either way, I know whom I have believed. I know His kindness and His judgments are perfect.

Anyway, I’m traveling tomorrow to help my mom. Once I get back, I hope to have more energy for blogging and life. I don’t know what God has for me in this next season, but I hope it includes rest…Thank God I’m not in this alone.

When the fish notices water…

The fish is always the last one to discover the existence of water.

These days, that saying often applies to the church. Our congregations are so immersed in American culture that we drift along holding the same life assumptions as our unbelieving neighbors…usually. After all, there are certain things that everyone knows are true….or are they? Thankfully, there are always voices in the Body of Christ who are willing to challenge conventional wisdom. Whatever we make of their conclusions, I should thank God for blessing us by the questions they raise. Consider the following “truths”:

1. A young christian couple in love should guard their purity and wait to marry until their education is complete and they’ve lived independently for several years. Only then will they be mature enough to make sure an important life decision. Everybody knows that….but does God agree?

2. Megachurches are what’s wrong with the church in America. People in smaller churches are much more dedicated to their walk with Christ and much more faithful to His Truth….aren’t they?

Is this Tinfoil or Not?

Churchill was thought to be crazy during the 30s, obsessed with his warnings about Hitler, who didn’t appear to most of the rest of Parliament to be such an awful fellow. Maybe the nature of the beast is that such warnings cannot be heard, that they seem excessive until the most dire things actually occur. Most people almost instinctively reject what seems like an extreme point of view unless they’ve arrived at it themselves through personal awareness, step by painful step, or through a dramatic and possibly life-shattering single event.

Lately, I keep finding myself considering possibilities I would have laughed off even a few months ago. And I’m not sure what to think. Am I falling prey to Obama Derangement Syndrome, or are things just really getting bad enough that even the unthinkable is becoming thinkable?

As is happens, I don’t believe that Obama is the Antichrist. I do believe he is currently operating with the same antichrist spirit that runs many humanist systems, and I’m appalled at how fast and how far he’s been able to advance that agenda. He success, I think, is evidence of a strong demonic force behind him. But, still, I don’t think he’s THE GUY. In league with, or paving the way for, maybe. But, not the One, despite his logo.

Nevertheless, with the spiritual battle heating up in this nation, I find myself in unfamiliar territory. Stuff like this…I used to dismiss automatically as paranoia. But, as I watch the actions of Democrats and hear the things they are saying, I’m beginning to wonder. As a former liberal, I used to tell my husband that the best way to understand what liberals will do is to listen to what they accuse other people of doing. Projection all the way. Now I’m wondering if I was more prescient than I thought.

Tinfoil or not, here are some thoughts I can’t believe I’m entertaining:

1. Is is possible that Obama really is preparing internment camps on American soil to be potentially used against his political opponents? I know that Clinton polled military officers about whether or not they would follow an order to fire on American citizens. My husband was in the army at the time. Apparently, the polls showed an overwhelming NO, and the matter was dropped. Could Obama be taking this sentiment even farther…perhaps under the guise of quarantine facilities for swine flu or some other epidemic?

2. Could the birthers be right? Now, this is one of those World Net Daily stories that I used to roll my eyes at, just as many conservatives still do. The thing is…there keeps being an awful lot of smoke around this story for there to be no fire.

Why has Obama been willing to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars opposing every request to prove his citizenship when he could just give Hawaii permission to release the long form of his birth certificate and make his opponents look like morons? As a Democrat State Senator from Hawaii asks: What’s the big deal here unless there actually is a problem with his citizenship?

When even liberals are wondering why he doesn’t just prove himself, I don’t understand why conservatives are so venomous toward the birthers. Is it because they don’t want to face the mess that an ineligible Obama would create? I mean, I understand that conservatives want to avoid the tinfoil stuff we associate with the left, but really, what’s the big deal with asking to see the guy’s paperwork? If, as they say, the long form birth certificate has been examined and is genuine, why not release it?

Perhaps all of this is just tinfoil. Either way, I think my time is better spent in prayer than politics. But something isn’t right here. Something is happening in this nation in the spirit world and now in the natural that seems to make all things possible, no matter how vile.

Scarily enough, I think many in this nation are hearing the warning; it just may not be enough to save us. I know that our nation may not be salvageable if we’re coming under God’s Judgment, but I guess I keep hoping that somehow we’ll rally and this evil can be avoided. But, perhaps not. Perhaps we need this for our own good. I don’t know. I guess I can just contemplate the tinfoil and watch.

What’s Right with the Church

Last night, I finally had a breakthrough from some rough stuff I’ve been dealing with. I feel like the sun just came out after a storm. My body’s still not 100%, but that’s trivial. Anyhow, as I was resting in the Lord this afternoon, I found myself thinking about how much we/I criticize the church in America. At the same time, I realized with some conviction that we don’t spend much time meditating on what’s right with it (at least I don’t). We condemn much more than we affirm. And I thought of this trial I’ve been going through and how often I’ve blown it and I realized that the Lord never stopped affirming me through it. He convicted me, but with a Mighty Love. Part of my problem hearing Him lately has been the condemnation I’ve felt about my own failures. And I wonder how that might apply to the Church’s need to change.

Most of us agree there are problems with the Bride–compromise, greed, shallowness, etc. But we ARE the church. These are OUR problems ultimately, and I’m wondering if maybe some time affirming what’s RIGHT here might heal us enough to address the rest. So, here are a few things I’ve thought of to get the ball rolling….

1. People reaching out to people…..We’re not perfect, but the fact remains that church folks really do try to help each other, even people they don’t know personally. There really is a “family-type” attitude in most churches I’ve seen. They send out the requests and people respond. Whether it’s the cancer patient who needs transportation to chemotherapy or the released felon who needs a car—church people pitch in. When my father had leukemia, I walked into a church in another state for a Saturday night service. I was an emotional wreck, and I didn’t know a soul. A woman came up to me during “meet & greet” time and asked if she could pray. By the end of that evening, I had received prayer from her and the elders. I had a cellphone number to call anytime I needed support. I had a promise from the elders to visit my nonsaved Dad in the hospital, which they fulfilled twice. Those are the hands and feet of Jesus in action. And stuff like that happens everyday in a church near you.

2. Vertical Worship….I’m going to get some argument here, probably, but I think there’s something really incredible about some of the worship music that is moving through the church at this time. There is a huge amount of music that really pulls you into a heartfelt connection with God, that sings TO God not just about God. It’s true, lots of it is simplistic and low on theology, but it does reach the heart. And I think we need that. We need to move beyond knowing about God to KNOWING GOD, and this music touches that simple childlike place within us that just wants to sing to our Abba. I’m not knocking traditional music. I’m saying that the new stuff (specifically songs in the 1st and 2nd person) meets a need that we have for greater intimacy with God. Our intellect may not find it challenging, but our heart finds it nourishing. And the love and healing we receive can become the fuel we need to go deeper in our faith.

3. Cross-Pollination….I’m not talking about being polluted by the world. We’ve got that problem, yes. But, what I mean is the increasing amount of unity that is happening as we move away from denominationalism. Although “church shopping” is often a bad thing, the movement of believers from church to church has had the effect of breaking down denominational walls and giving us a sense of the Church as more than our local congregation. For example, teachings on the Kingdom of God and the Gifts of the Spirit are no longer regulated to charismatic circles. I know Baptists who speak in tongues and believe in miracles. This is good, in my opinion. These more fundamentalist folks are bringing a much needed sanity and discernment into the supernatural aspects of our faith. At the same time, the more experiential faith of the charismatics is breathing the life of the Spirit into churches that had lost their first love. I’m not saying that all the cross-pollination is good. Certainly, we are in danger of some false doctrines, too. But, I do think there is something good happening here. I think the Holy Spirit is teaching us about His unity, about embracing the full beauty of the Bride and looking beyond our own little group.

Thankfully, we are a Body with many voices!

I’m back home but feeling very flat and worn out. Right now, I’m just resting and enjoying the chance to surf the web for a change. Once I get some energy back, I’ll get back to writing. Thankfully, when one person is tuckered out, there are always other folks out there on a roll!

Here are some links:

Glen Beck has discovered some REALLY scary stuff connected with the cash for clunkers website.  Turns out, that security and privacy agreement you always agree to without reading–it says that if you use the website, the government now owns your computer!  (Hat tip: The Anchoress)

Evangelical churches are beginning to grow at a surprising rate in the Northeast, a very secularized part of the country. I mentioned my Northeastern Friend’s experience going to church up there. Kind of exciting to see God reclaiming this part of our nation! (Hat tip: Instapundit)

In the charismatic wing of the church, you here lots about “Power Evangelism.” Dan Edelen over at Ceruleam Sanctum has some great posts on the deficiencies of this kind of approach as well as the characteristics of true power evangelism.

Last, but not least….if you’re NOT hearing the Lord tell you how to specifically prepare for the last days, this post by Joseph Herrin is for you!

Top Ten Rules of Church Culture

Nana’s started to eat, so I’ve finally had a chance to find a place with wi-fi. Since I’m blogging anonymously, it’s unnerving to be sitting in a coffee shop on my hometown main street, but beggars can’t be choosers.

Anyway….

I’ve been emailing back and forth with a friend from the Northeast who was telling me about his experiences in the churches there. He writes:

For
a long time I thought I’d prefer the evangelical/south
model until my cousin’s friend (in Atlanta) clued me in
that down there you can’t tell who the real Christians
are. Because there’s a social COST here instead of a
benefit, it’s much easier here in a way: we’re the only
ones who bother to show up.

You know, I kind of envy him…because he’s right. It’s really hard to tell who the real Christians are here. I’ve lived in the South almost all my life. I’ve lived in cities, suburbs, and rural areas. And, I can say for a fact that Christian Culture here is bizarre, especially for someone who grew up a heathen. There are rules. Here are the ones I’ve noticed:

*********************

TOP TEN RULES OF CHURCH CULTURE:

1. You must listen to Hillsong and buy Jesus junk from the local Christian bookstore.
2. If someone has trouble, it must be the devil. It can’t be God or sin.
3. You must not pray and fast too much.
4. No service can last more than 1.5 hours.
5. No Bible reading plan can require more than fifteen minutes per day to complete.
6. All children must be able to attend enough Vacation Bible School sessions to make daycare unnecessary.
7. Fellowship is more important than prayertime, especially if food is involved.
8. You must not suggest that anyone should do spiritual preparation before partaking of the Lord’s Supper.
9. You must not ask why so many in the church are sick.
10. You must not question why today’s service has a SuperBowl theme.

*********************

The thing is, I LIKE church. I like the people, and I know that most are well-meaning. I even like Veggie Tales and fellowship. It’s just that we have many Cultural Christians here because it’s too easy to simple show up, check the box, and go home. It doesn’t cost anything. Frankly, part of me welcomes the persecution that I think is coming upon us. We desperately need the pruning.

My friend in the Northeast pays a price to attend church. You have to be serious about the faith to withstand the social disapproval you face there. I’ve never thought about that in relation to the church, but I experienced something similar growing up outside the church in the South.

New Age stuff was NOT looked well upon there, and I was very secretive about it. No one in town knew of the stuff my family was into. Later on, when I moved into witchcraft, my friends and I took pride in being different. We believed we were superior to Christians because we actually worked at spirituality while they just sat in pews.

As a witch, I read book after book. I created my magical tools by hand. I studies languages, mythology, science, and metaphysics. I spent hours meditating, exploring shamanic realms, and communing with spirits. There was no aspect of my life that wasn’t involved in my faith. I was not unusual among my friends.

I’ve only been a believer since 2001.So, how is it that many Christians who have “known” Jesus for over thirty years don’t know the Bible as well as I do?!!

I mean, our God is REAL! I’ve seen Him scatter demons like flies. I’ve seen Him heal a man with cancer. So, why are we limiting our exposure to Him to soundbites? I wonder if many lifelong Christians just don’t really believe all the stuff they’ve been taught. Maybe if you grow up with only a simplified Sunday School Jesus, you just don’t get it. You don’t understand the immense power of the God you serve.

We’re all about to learn. Seriously. We’re about to see supernatural power moving upon the earth in ways that are beyond our current understanding. Both demonic and Holy power at work. Right now, witches understand power better than most Christians. This must change. It’s time to press in and beg God for wisdom and discernment. It’s time to repent of our unbelief and materialism. Otherwise, we will fall away when God don’t allow us to remain respectable.

Jesus is coming back for a pure and spotless Bride. Out of love, the Spirit of God will conform us to that image before the end. We must yield to His work. We must ask Him to reveal Himself to us. If we don’t come to really know Him now, we won’t be able to trust Him when it all hits the fan.

We must not waste our current struggles. I’ve been struggling to connect with God while caring for Nana. I keep trying to run. But, I am grateful to Him for revealing my heart to me. I am grateful to find the cracks in my faith and learn to press through them.

My Northeastern friend says that his unbelieving friends always assume that he goes to church as a hobby. They find it hard to believe that believers are actually serious about God. I’d say many of the Southern Christians I meet really do attend church as a hobby. The church is more of a social center than a place to meet God. It’s where our children go for safe activities. It’s where we find likeminded friends to go to dinner with. We call this “fellowship.” We call this “community, “but we have no idea what that word means. In my experience, “calls for community” usually mean that more volunteers are needed for the nursery. Calls for “tithing” mean please give enough so we can complete the new soccer fields.

The day is coming fast when we won’t have soccer fields, VBS, or tax exempt status. The Bride must be purified, and she will be…one way or another. Take a lesson from the underground churches that have gone before us. Gather in prayer and learn what community really means. Ask God to connect you with the ones He wants you to walk with during this time. Above all, learn about the reality of God’s supernatural power for those who hope in Him. Ask for discernment and wisdom. As for a spirit of revelation in the knowledge of God, that you may love Him enough to sustain you through the coming days.

Posting in the Land of Dial-Up

Posting will be light this week as I continue to care for my grandmother in the land of dial-up.  I have a line on a wi-fi spot, but my schedule is too erratic here to have time to surf the web or post very much.  Nana’s needs are unpredictable.  But, I’ll do what I can, and I’ll return to normal next week…..

Pushing through the fog

This morning, I awoke to the sound of “Lead Me to the Cross” playing in my head.

The Holy Spirit often plays songs there to get my attention: secular and Christian, recent and not heard for years. Music has always been a big part of my life, and He uses that to speak to me—especially during times like now when I’m not listening to Him very well.

Here’s the short version: my grandmother is not doing well—not eating, weakening—she may be dying, or she may rally as her new medicine kicks in. We don’t know. My mom is gone for a week for a much needed break. My husband is in training and can’t visit. For whatever reason, the Lord has put me alone here to with nothing more than phone support from my loved ones. And instead of pressing into the Lord for His healing and wisdom, I find myself running—from Him, from the situation, from myself.

I want to feel, but I’m numb. I want peace, but I’m settling for chocolate. I need Jesus, but I find myself lost in fiction. My head is full of daydreams that allow me to escape being present here in this place I don’t want to be. No doubt He’s with me, guiding and loving, but I can’t feel it at the moment. So, for now, we’re down to songs in my head and weird dreams.

I don’t intend for this blog to turn into nothing but my personal confessions. That wouldn’t be very interesting to anyone, me included. When I surface from this fog, I have some things I’d like to say about the church, and prophecy, and what I think the Spirit is doing in these last days. But, at the moment, a few random thoughts are the best I can do…

1. Are daydreams OK, or are they sin? I often find myself lost in thought, imagining fictional worlds, playing characters in my head. Before I became a Christian, I used to write them out. In fact, the Lord has used them to lead me to Himself. But, since I gave my life to Him, I find that they often seem wrong, like a form of rebellion—a way of removing myself from the situation He has placed me in instead of thanking Him for it.
2. What place should fiction have in the life of a believer? It wasn’t that many years ago that Christians routinely considered all forms of fiction to be sin. They avoided novels and theater as the devil’s work. Nowadays, we’d call that narrow-minded legalism. Nowadays, we have Christian forms of every kind of art, including romance novels. Most of us just try to judge the content of what we look at. If it seems fairly safe or “Christian,” we say it’s fine. But, are we paying a price for our seemingly harmless entertainments? I’m not looking to find a rule about this stuff. But, as I lose myself in fiction this week, I’m wondering if maybe that’s not such a harmless habit after all.

3. If we’re going to argue effectively against euthanasia, we need to come to terms with our own ambivalence about it. As I sit here watching my grandmother fade, I realize that I could easily give in to the temptation to “let her die with dignity” if I were living in an Obamacare society. It’s easy to talk about resisting the culture of death in the abstract, and, I don’t feel ANY ambivalence about wanting the government kept far away from the decision-making. But, in my current circumstances, I have become aware of how hard it is to resist the pull of my conflicting emotions.

The bottom line is: He is the Creator. Her life belongs to Him, not to me and not to her. He formed her in the womb, and it is up to Him to end her days. But, oh how my unsurrendered soul longs to interfere, to rescue myself and her from the pain of this hour. That, to me , is one of the most chilling dangers of Obamacare that we must acknowledge and fight—the danger that it will make murderers out of us by exploiting our pain and our desire to be merciful. By appealing to our unsanctified human mercy, such a system could lead many into damnation. We must oppose it at all costs.

Learning about Hell…when the Spirit rips the veil away

I’m traveling today to go care for my grandmother next week.  She has dementia, and she just moved into a wonderful assisted living home for people with Alzheimers.  Before that, she lived with my mom, and I helped care for her there. 

Watching my grandmother slip further into the fog of dementia, I have learned that people with Alzheimer’s remain who they are. 

She is still herself at the core.  Flashes of her old personality still come forth, stripped now to the bare essentials of who she chose to become.  It’s interesting to see what remains.  She still loves to dance.  She loves bright colors, pretty jewelry, and does not tolerate dirty clothing on her person.  At the doctor recently, she kept showing him her newly painted toenails.  My mom and I continue to color her hair and do her makeup because she likes it and because it comforts us.

Most of the time, Nana is delightful–an adorable little doll who loves to laugh.  She charms every nurse or technician who comes her way, even on her bad days.  A huge extrovert, she can’t bear to miss a conversation. Even though she can’t speak very well most days, she can still smile and gesture with all the humor and life she used to show when she worked in theater.  I love her deeply.  When I was a child, she was both a jolly playmate and a force of nature.  Her strength, her wit, and her can-do personality are qualities I cherish and hope to pass on.

I just wish she weren’t going to hell.

I know, I know.  “You can’t know for sure she’s unsaved.  God’s able to reach past her dementia and save her even on her deathbed.”  Yes, I know.  I’m familiar with all the comforting responses, and it’s not that they aren’t valid.  They just aren’t the point for me right now.  I continue to pray for her salvation, of course.  And sometimes I watch her and ache as I consider the torment she faces.

Right now, though, the Lord calling me to something other than grief.  He is using this situation to touch something even deeper within me, teaching me a lesson I must learn if I am to remain intimate with Him.  I think He is preparing me for her death–to be at peace with the fact that she is going to Hell.  And if not her, then others.  The fact is, people go to Hell– even people who are charming and nice and loved by many.

So, how do I love a God who allows my Nana to burn for eternity?

When I first became a Christian, I had a hard time with the concept of original sin.  Even though I recognized my own sin, I still kept hold of the thought that people weren’t really evil at heart.  They were merely wounded or demonized.  Even the man who abused me as a child, I excused this way.  I had no problem with the reality of evil.  That’s why I turned from New Age practices to witchcraft.  (Wicca admits the reality of evil.  New Agers don’t usually.)  Nevertheless, I still felt in my heart that people were mostly good if left to themselves.  Why, then, did God send them to hell?  Why not save them all somehow? I had no answers, just an undeniable encounter with Jesus that I couldn’t bear to walk away from.

Having given Him my heart, I began to learn through obedience, to follow Him without having answers given ahead of time.  Now, in the furnace of my grandmother’s affliction, I am learning about Hell.

Most of this has been gradual, but every now and then, the Holy Spirit rips the veil from my eyes and forces me to look.  On one of these days, I awoke to screams from the living room.  Nana was recovering from surgery, and we had hired caregivers to stay with her in the hospital bed we had rented.  They were wonderful ladies, but their job was difficult.  In her dementia, Nana couldn’t understand what was happening.  She didn’t know why she hurt, where she was, or why these people kept messing with her.  She was furious.

When I went in to check, I found her naked and screaming with the distressed caregiver bleeding nearby.  Nana had wet her bed and then attacked the woman who was trying to change her into dry clothes.  Nana was hostile and wild, and the poor lady was scratched bloody from her fingernails.  The woman kept trying to throw a blanket over her, but Nana would only hiss and bite and scream.  I tried to help, but she slapped me and tried to claw my face.  Finally I just turned up the living room fire and withdrew to my bedroom to pray, telling the caregiver to let her be until I returned.

Anguished and uncertain, I cried out to God.  Instead of comfort, however, He forced me to look into my grandmother’s soul.  He began to show me the source of her rage, taking me deeper than the dementia, deeper than the situation at hand.  Into a heart that cursed Him and wanted her own way no matter what the cost.

This rage wasn’t caused by her situation, merely revealed by it.  Her response was murderous, not defensive.  Yes, she was frightened, but even in her anxiety she was choosing to curse rather than submit.  This violence wasn’t new, and it wasn’t demonic.  It was her, her real self unmasked. Flashes of the past came to me like a deluge. The choices she’d made, the rage I had glimpsed in her years before.  A rebellious past, an independent spirit, a narcissist enraged by the thwarting of her will.

It all hit me like a bucket of icewater, and I buckled under the weight of it.  I couldn’t bring myself to see her that way, but my spirit couldn’t deny the Truth of what I’d seen.  I wept, and I called my husband back home even though it wasn’t yet dawn.  Before I could do anything but cry, he began confirming what the Lord had shown me.  As he spoke, I felt all emotion drain away, and I finally had the supernatural peace I needed to go deal with the situation at hand.

She slapped me when I told her that the only way to get warm was to let the lady put her clothes on.  She spit at me when I tried to help her myself.  I could see that she knew me.  As agitated as she was, she knew what she was doing.  Then, as I waited, I felt the voice of the Lord rise up in me and say, “You cannot have your way here.” 

Instantly, she froze and the fog left her eyes.  “I’ve never heard you speak like that,” she said with sudden lucidity.  We locked eyes for a moment.  Then her face shifted and she glared at me with loathing and said, “Get out of my house.  I don’t want you here.  Get out!”  And I knew that her soul had recognized His voice and given her response. This wasn’t just a poor suffering woman with dementia.  This was a soul who rejected God.

There’s more to this story, more to the things He’s shown me.  Many more reasons why I think my grandmother has refused God.  But this is enough for now because it hurts to write.  Frankly, I don’t want this lesson.  I don’t want it at all.   But,if I want Him I have to want the Truth even when it hurts.  So, I continue to cling…to His love, to His leadership, to the belief that His justice is perfect–even in the face of rebellion, even unto the death of one who hates Him.